Poems in Progress

     staying

could’ve left it alone,

the forever ache in your bones 

the whisper in your ear,

that comes through the tears 

but you’ve never been good at ignoring, 

so this is me imploring 

to pull yourself out of the gray,

and darling please stay 

      holding grudges 

i hold my grievances in my heart

and read them like an oath 

a truth I believe, 

the only one I know

i’ve never learned to forgive,

for i was taught to persist

and i’ve never been one to forget,

so the hurt is all i recall

coffee

clean the cups

fill the drawers 

close the top

fill the grounds

calm your breath

fill the cups

   morning 

the sun had only just rose

the grass still wet with morning dew

while the radio played soft songs 

from its place in the living room

a breeze shook the trees

swaying over the violet sky

as the rooster crowed

from somewhere off in the yard

the old truck drove up the road 

gravel crunching under toe 

the morning chill fogging up window panes

the weight of footsteps on wooden boards 

aftersun 

fading in and out

the lights on your face 

the swell of the music 

the past and the future 

interchangeable now 

spinning me around

your hands in mine

could stay just like this 

fingers slipping away

the loosening of my grip

falling away from me

leaving you right there

fading in and out

   daydreams

standing on the sidewalk

wind blowing through the trees 

blue fading into grey 

leaves falling in the breeze 

footsteps light on the pavement 

thoughts running like a river 

shadows dancing on grass

the sun now just a sliver 

dusk falling overhead

morning becoming a memory 

stars finding their way

the solace in a reverie 

 holes

i’ve never felt like a whole

i searched for it 

in every soul

in every turn 

in every road

i’ve always felt like an open wound

i filled it up 

with words

with songs

with i love you’s

i’ve sometimes felt wanted

i found it in you

your smile

your eyes

the way you say my name

now i feel whole when you hold me

variants

sometimes i catch a glimpse

and think i see her 

the one that got away 

not who I am

not who I was

but the girl I could’ve been

somewhere in between 

the past 

and the present 

she still lives 

      hoax

to see a love for what it is

a blazing fire 

a tightrope wire

to know a hurt you learn miss

torn apart by the briars

at least a pretty crier

to feel a twisted kind of bliss

blue laments from the choir 

all to ashes in the pyre

feather

the show is in three weeks

we’ll board a plane

bags packed with heels

and glittering dresses

headed straight to Pittsburgh

i can see it in my mind

the curtain dropping

music starting to play

lights shining on stage

and you next to me

feathers raining from above

like a swan took flight

glitter on your face 

a sparkling mask

love like confetti in the air

dreams

i have this dream where the windows open

and cold air is spilling in between the blinds

it’s somewhere in between day and night

and all the clocks are missing their hands

i go to leave but the door is locked

and i never can find the key

a funny sort of feeling comes over me

almost like fear but calmer in some way

i fall back on the bed 

and there’s someone talking to me

coming from the other side of the door

or maybe from out the window

i go to to speak

and always then i wake

there could be some meaning there

but i never believed in that stuff 

storms

suppose i never said those words that night,

that i held my tongue instead of holding a grudge,

you’d still hold me through the thunder storms, 

you’d meet my eyes without drawing tears in yours.

suppose i didn’t do it cause i hated you,

but because i couldn’t love you

        orbiting

all that i could’ve been

stands before me now,

the way it should be

the future i was owed,

all the dreams i believed

the one i couldn’t reach,

is it still out there 

hanging just out of orbit,

or did it break when i dropped it

and shattered my world?

for the thick-skinned

how does it feel 

when words are thrown

like weapons at your heart

and it doesn’t pierce your armour? 

how do you stand there

stoic as a marble sculpture

as they tear all you love to shreds

and leave you with the pieces?

tell me how to be like you

to grow thick skin

and let things hit me 

and not hurt me

fawn

little feet dancing across snow 

leaving pressed hearts in their wake,

a tawny blur between the trees

dappled with soft clouds,

following a doe through the woods

carrying a sweet innocence

dear m, 

it’s almost funny

how i still remember all these little things

like the way you hate mint gum

and coffee 

and gold jewelry  

i wonder if it’s all still true 

if you still play the music we loved

all those songs we’d send each other

cause i still do

but i know you’ve changed

cause you came to my job this summer

you were with that girl we never liked

and you ordered a coffee

it’s your birthday today

and i hate that i know that

do you still remember my 18th

and how you hurt me then

i keep saying i hate you 

but i’m not sure i mean it

cause if you asked for me back

i think i might come running

   ghosts

here we are again 

back the way we used to be

back between me

back between you 

here we are again 

in the time I never left

in the time you never stayed 

here we are again 

when your hands fell fast from mine 

when our hearts can’t realign

here we are again 

learning how to lose 

learning when to gain 

here we are again 

with your foot half out the door 

with my love there on the floor 

here I am again 

bargaining with a shadow 

pleading with a ghost